Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Not So Innocent Thursday Talk.

Oh dear.

This has been something of a battle. A battle to get back to this dearly beloved and much forgotten blog. It's been sad. This blog is a friend that has been neglected. Quite frankly, this friend has been quite unthought of for some time. And, I haven't minded one bit.

After tonight's conversation with the boyfriend fiance, I recalled this lost friend, and my old desire for writing was rekindled. Ok. I promise to stop with the bad similes. No one likes them. No one. Not in poetry class or now. Not ever. Rant over.

What was this conversation about?

Oh, I am so glad you asked. Let me tell you.

The phone call started off innocently. I told Gregory to call me after he got off work. I had to go Christmas shopping for a Red Cross event, and I thought I could multi-task while I browsed through Wal-Mart. Multi-task should have been a hint. Lord knows I can't do more than one thing at a time.

The shopping part was cool. We bantered. Made fun of each other. The usual.

I hopped into my car after I was done, and then it just came. Oh crap. The big bag of crazy that I had kept contained throughout the day in my mind suddenly materialized in the form of words. My knee jerk reaction? The conversation was ruined. I had just ruined a perfectly good talk by bringing my problems to the table.

Instead of being ridiculously vague (why do writers do that anyway? No one reads your writing because they don't want information...or maybe you do. In that case, disregard the following), here is a sampling of my qualms.

If I'm in school when we get married, where is the money for rent, food, insurance, etc. coming from?

Does an apartment under $400 a month exist? I doubt so.

I'm so young. Why should I have to think about these things? I shouldn't have to, that's what.

How should I know how much my car insurance is?

And, yes, my health insurance is bunk. What of it?

See? It IS a big bag of crazy up there. And, you know what is even worse, I told Greg that I was scared. Scared because I didn't know if he even could provide for me what I wanted.

Did you read that? Can you believe I said that? I can. Because, I did. I said that to the man I want to marry.

He didn't react. He acted. He brought truth into my chaos. Even though I was silent mostly and occasionally uttered a "yeah," he was patient.

"Erika," he said, "you know that I love you, right? I want to marry you. I want to provide for you."

I wish I could end the story there, because if I did end it there, I could tell you that glitter bursted out of my phone. Children in a choir somewhere began singing Christmas carols. Greg appeared before me. We walked hand-in-hand to our favorite coffee shop and lived happily ever after. Did I mention that there would be snow?

Ok. I got carried away. Just in case you were wondering, no, that didn't happen. Sadly.

Instead, I sulkily told him I loved him, asked forgiveness for sinfully expecting him to satisfy all my crazy fancies, and hung up the phone.

Walking upstairs to finish studying for an exam, it hit me. That man on the phone loves me. God knows why he does! But, he does. My heart is ugly, and he, out of everyone in my life, sees the most of it. But, he, out of everyone, loves me the most.

And, what story does that remind me of? That HE who sees my dark heart the most, sent HIS son, whom he loves dearly, to live a sinless life, die a painful death, and rise again to give me eternal life.

My first visit to his home state, CO. The first of two, and hopefully many more to come.

Gregory, thank you. Thank you for being honest in your delivery of God's truth and love for me. I know that no person in their own power could love someone who willfully hurts others, like me, without God's provision. I thank God for you everyday.


  1. Erika,
    Whether you leave home on your own or married it is going to be scary. It's scary to think of all the financial responsibility you will have but after a month or two of having your bills on your calendar and seeing your budget numbers work in real life it wont be so scary anymore.

    Plus being married is fun...I have a sticker of lady liberty stuck to my rear right now...want to guess what dork put it there?

    Love to read your posts and so excited for you two :)

  2. You are beautiful. You humility, your honesty and your candid banter- BEAUTIFUL.

    Life is scary... it's not going to get any less scary either. There will always be something to fret over. My current worries? My son is testing me at every turn. I am scared to death that I am going to mess up and he is going to just be that way forever. We have little money. Adam and I work different shifts, and I fear that I do not get enough time with him.
    God tells us not to be afraid. He has plans for us. He knows what He is doing, even if you don't. If Greg loves you, and from what I read I believe that he REALLY does, that's what matters. God brought you two together and He has plans for you to prosper. It is very seldom what you had in mind, sometimes it's not even what you want... but it's always what you need.

    I will keep you two in my prayers as you grow together in Christ.

  3. Well, when my cousin was going to get married, she was scared too. It is so normal to be "afraid" of marriage I think. There always will be one day that you need to know how much your car insurance is, and you will be out of the house you are living now. We got some, while we may lose some.

    Erikaka, you know, you got the man who loves you the most on earth, sounds a good reason to not be afraid of the marriage?:) I like how he replied, simplest but the strongest words. Love is the power we have. I believe he has been so prepared to marry you, when he asked you to marry him.