The Not So Innocent Thursday Talk.

Oh dear.

This has been something of a battle. A battle to get back to this dearly beloved and much forgotten blog. It's been sad. This blog is a friend that has been neglected. Quite frankly, this friend has been quite unthought of for some time. And, I haven't minded one bit.

After tonight's conversation with the boyfriend fiance, I recalled this lost friend, and my old desire for writing was rekindled. Ok. I promise to stop with the bad similes. No one likes them. No one. Not in poetry class or now. Not ever. Rant over.

What was this conversation about?

Oh, I am so glad you asked. Let me tell you.

The phone call started off innocently. I told Gregory to call me after he got off work. I had to go Christmas shopping for a Red Cross event, and I thought I could multi-task while I browsed through Wal-Mart. Multi-task should have been a hint. Lord knows I can't do more than one thing at a time.

The shopping part was cool. We bantered. Made fun of each other. The usual.

I hopped into my car after I was done, and then it just came. Oh crap. The big bag of crazy that I had kept contained throughout the day in my mind suddenly materialized in the form of words. My knee jerk reaction? The conversation was ruined. I had just ruined a perfectly good talk by bringing my problems to the table.

Instead of being ridiculously vague (why do writers do that anyway? No one reads your writing because they don't want information...or maybe you do. In that case, disregard the following), here is a sampling of my qualms.

If I'm in school when we get married, where is the money for rent, food, insurance, etc. coming from?

Does an apartment under $400 a month exist? I doubt so.

I'm so young. Why should I have to think about these things? I shouldn't have to, that's what.

How should I know how much my car insurance is?

And, yes, my health insurance is bunk. What of it?

See? It IS a big bag of crazy up there. And, you know what is even worse, I told Greg that I was scared. Scared because I didn't know if he even could provide for me what I wanted.

Did you read that? Can you believe I said that? I can. Because, I did. I said that to the man I want to marry.

He didn't react. He acted. He brought truth into my chaos. Even though I was silent mostly and occasionally uttered a "yeah," he was patient.

"Erika," he said, "you know that I love you, right? I want to marry you. I want to provide for you."

I wish I could end the story there, because if I did end it there, I could tell you that glitter bursted out of my phone. Children in a choir somewhere began singing Christmas carols. Greg appeared before me. We walked hand-in-hand to our favorite coffee shop and lived happily ever after. Did I mention that there would be snow?

Ok. I got carried away. Just in case you were wondering, no, that didn't happen. Sadly.

Instead, I sulkily told him I loved him, asked forgiveness for sinfully expecting him to satisfy all my crazy fancies, and hung up the phone.

Walking upstairs to finish studying for an exam, it hit me. That man on the phone loves me. God knows why he does! But, he does. My heart is ugly, and he, out of everyone in my life, sees the most of it. But, he, out of everyone, loves me the most.

And, what story does that remind me of? That HE who sees my dark heart the most, sent HIS son, whom he loves dearly, to live a sinless life, die a painful death, and rise again to give me eternal life.

My first visit to his home state, CO. The first of two, and hopefully many more to come.
Please?

Gregory, thank you. Thank you for being honest in your delivery of God's truth and love for me. I know that no person in their own power could love someone who willfully hurts others, like me, without God's provision. I thank God for you everyday.