Alone. Utterly and completely abandoned. That's how I felt (and still do feel).
I pulled into my driveway, turned off the car, and I couldn't move. For a couple seconds I didn't say anything; I just thought. Finally, the deluge came. I guess I was angry or discontent. I can't pinpoint it. It doesn't matter. Words kept rolling off my tongue and I asked too many questions. I don't know what God made of it all. But, He knows me.
Sometimes, I just feel like no one understands me (please, before you navigate away from my blog, let me explain). This is probably my own fault. You see, I'm not a "gusher." One of those people. The ones who can bare their souls to anyone. I keep to myself. So, other's lack of understanding is undeniably linked to my inability to share with them.
But, it's not just the sharing about life, my experiences, my trials, etc. No, it's more.
While I was ranting (or praying) in my car, the word "constrained" came out with a high frequency. My life feels constrained. Ambition is slowly being squelched. What happened to the me who wanted to live in third world countries? What happened to the me who loved simply being near art? What happened to the me who laughs and goofs off just because I can?
I don't feel like me.
Wise people have guided me throughout my life. Their counsel has been Godly. But, my relationship with God isn't between me, my wise counselors, and God. It's just me and God. I listen to other's advice for my life. Then, God helps me figure it out.
I'm a realist. So, when people point out the impossibilities of my plans, I see exactly where they're coming from. That's the problem. When someone told me that it would mess up my school schedule, and it may not be safe, my dream of spending six months in Africa was smooshed.
Now it's too late. I can't go back and wish I had chosen to go to Africa. But, I have what's ahead of me.
"No, life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath... We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?"
[Donald Miller,Through Painted Deserts]
I've been reading this book. It speaks of God's truth concerning life. Living life. Enjoying life. I love it.