But, I suck. I am an awful relationship builder. Friendly? Yes. Relational? Not. At. All.
For a long time, I rationalized away giving people extraneous information. Sometimes, people's topics of conversation boggled my mind. Because, I always wondered why on earth the other person needed to know that you bought a new dress and you're hoping that you're boyfriend takes you some place nice. That made no sense to me.
Then, I gained a little perspective. Telling people seemingly "useless" information builds affinity in between people. Frankly, now I really enjoy texting my friends that I walked past a pumpkin patch or that something reminded me of them. That seems a little more normal now. Thankfully, I have friends who don't get weirded out when I do that either. Win-win.
Sadly, relationships that only go so far as your nail color or what you walk past aren't really relationships at all (they're pretty much your private twitter account). Here comes phase 2.
You have to tell more. More deep things. Things that you think about. Maybe even dreams.
This is where I choke. I don't think people need to know those things. I'm perfectly safe, happy, and content with my mediocre relationships. And, that's sad. I am a sad little human being. Is that really all my life has become? I can't go any deeper? Is my relationship with God like that? Do I only tell God trivial things?
So, I've decided to start unpacking why I hate sharing things with people.
Option #2: I've been hurt in the past. So, now I'm cautious to open up to people (sounds a little too Young and the Restless to me).
Option #3: I've never had a open relationship with more than one person. So, increasing that number freaks the living daylights of out me.
Yup. I'm going to have to go with Option #3.
I have several close friends. Friends that know me. They've been around for a while. I trust them. Their character has been proven, and our relationships truly are delightful. Now, for the others, I don't really care to share too much with them. Particularly with guys. That is a big nuh-uh.
The reasons being: I've seen friends hurt by too much sharing of their lives and several foiled relationship attempts of my own. You start to trust someone; you get to know them; then, it ends up a)being a bad idea, or b)not what you were looking for. Neither of those options are bad. They just create some tension and extra trouble without any really seen benefit (aside from my ridiculous increase of prayer...and that shouldn't stop after the crisis is averted).
My solution is not dealing with them at all.
And, I know that's not ok. It's so way wrong. So, so, so.
I'm still trying to figure out what the root is. A lack of trust in God? Pride? Communication?
I guess this is an issue that I have to tell God about. This is probably step one of figuring out how all this is supposed to work. And, from past experience, talking to God is a solid place to begin.
So, I'll start with that.