Saturday, October 9, 2010

Freak Out.

It's been pounded into my head since I could remember, "The SAT is very important for homeschoolers." I soaked it all up, I believed it, and it showed. I've lived most of my high school career as an uptight and worrisome student. At some point, I thought it would pay off, all my worrying would end in a big scholarship to an Ivy League school.

Well, I've recently figured out that unless, by miraculous intercession, my GPA rises by .5, my dream is not going to happen. Still, I kept hoping and pushing and making myself miserable. Not only did my own feelings suffer, I made other people's life's horrible. Ask my family, and they would tell you that I was not a joy to be with.

So, this morning I embarked in my little Pontiac with a bike rack on back and headed out to Jefferson high school. I was going to take the SAT. The night before, I couldn't sleep; I tossed and turned incessantly. I took one final sip from my Starbucks to-go cup and got out of the car. While I was walking into the building, the music that I was quietly focusing on in my car kept playing through my head. "You say let it go, you say let it go, you say love is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything I need. You say when I lose myself it's then I find my soul."

As soon I got out of the brisk cool morning, I went to turn off my phone and I heard a voice behind me. It was Stone, a kid who I'd heard a lot about, but never actually met. We got to talking and my mind slowly slipped away from my task at hand. It was a relief. I could focus on something other than sitting in a classroom for five hours.

The test itself wasn't anything exciting. It was just like all the other standardized test I'd taken, but this time, I wasn't hyperventilating; I didn't have a panic attack the night before (yes, that has happened, no judgement please).

So, I consider today a success. I'm changing my ways one step at a time. Slowly, but surely I'm getting there.

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