I was thinking about our friendship. Is that really all it is? Not that you've asked, but I went ahead and made a pro-con list about dating you. I make a ton of pro-con lists, so this really isn't out of the ordinary. My mom walked in while I was half-way done with the process. She asked what I was doing (instantly, I clammed up...I'm a failure at sharing things with people). Reluctantly, I handed her the list and explained what it was for.
That was single-handedly one of the hardest things I've ever done (yeah, yeah, that sounds lame...I know). You see, when it comes to relationships, I am just awful at well, pretty much everything. I analyze the crap out of everything until I think that the friendship really isn't that important (it sounds awful, but, no it really is awful). This is the way I end up with only three close friends and have fumbled my way around relationships with guys (granted, there really haven't been that many to screw up).
At the root of these relationship issues, there is pride and selfishness (ouch...that hurts). I don't make time for others mostly because I think that my schedule is superior. Must.Get.To-D0.List.Done. Slowly, I'm seeing my sin, and working out all the problems that have resulted.
Beyond just the sin issues, I often feel like no one sees why it is so hard for me. Emotions. I can write it all out in a notebook, look at them, then realize how stupid and irrational they truly are. When I don't openly bear my hearts to others, I begin to feel guilty. This past week, the guilt was overwhelming. Why can't I just be bubbly and super extroverted for a change?
Then, I got a little perspective. While sitting in Barne's and Noble with a friend, I was reminded that I am not supposed to be like everyone else (thank the good Lord). I've been given strengths that I should capitalize on, and weaknesses that I can improve. God doesn't expect me to be always gregarious. He commands me to love other people, and ultimately love him. That's it. My life is defined in those terms. Not in the terms of the four letters that describe my personality (INTJ...holla).
No, no, no, I'm not planning on sharing my pro-con lists with the world. Most of them will stay in my moleskin (hint, hint: my birthday is in a week...just saying). I struggle with pride and selfishness, and those I think I will always have to combat, however, I have the hope that I don't have to be someone who I am not. That.Is.Refreshing. Love God. Love others. The end.