Sunday, August 1, 2010

I can't title this post. I'm plum out of titles, or witty little catch phrases. To be honest (like I try to be), I'm out of everything. Money, emotions, hope, direction, it's all gone. So sorry to be going all Hemingway and depressing on you, but that's what I find myself thinking, a lot. I'm guessing an explanation is in order.

Where do I begin?

I called my mom today after an afternoon with a visiting friend in Bloomington. We walked all over IU's campus. I fell in love, with everything. The stores, the buildings, the whole vibe, and it really doesn't hurt that they have a great business school and marketing department. And I really decided in my head that this is where I would really like to be. Sure, i would still have to find a church family, but I've visited several that have great potential.

So, about the phone call with my mother. I tell her everything I stated in the previous paragraph and she says "really?". Which I respond to with a hearty "Yes!". She seems less than enthusiastic, which totally deflates my happiness bubble. Great way to start off the whole persuading two Purdue grads (my parents) that I should go to IU.

After that blow, my friend had to go back to Lafayette. She was a taste of home brought here to the south and I didn't realize how much that meant till she left. My heart has been torn in two. I love Lafayette, I knew the Purdue fight song before I was three, my church and family are in Lafayette. While going to Bloomington is what I think I really want, it's hard to understand that I'll be leaving my family-branching off on my own adventure.

When on earth did I get old enough to be applying to colleges? Where did high school go? Why didn't I work harder and get better grades? Do I really want to leave? Do i even know IU's fight song? Can I face the world without my support system right with me? What if I end up hating it? Will i get accepted? Are there any people who will want to be my friends?

That's just a sampling of the questions circling in my mind. I feel completely hopeless. It's funny how me deciding what I want to pursue hasn't made anything simpler. It just keeps coming in huge waves-tidal waves. Part of the reason is because I haven't been laying my future right at God's feet. Why is that so hard? Why can't i trust the god of the universe with my future? He already has it planned.

Sadly she stood
Perplexed and misunderstood.
Out on the cliff,
She was completely adrift.
After a while
Her dreams were a messy pile.
Destroyed by lack of faith
After years gone by.
There she thought
Of what her time bought.
In the end,
The road took too many bends.
I stand on the same cliff
Totally and completely miffed.

No comments:

Post a Comment