Friday, July 2, 2010

Feelings or lack there of

I stood there quietly outside the radio station, inhaled deeply, and told my mom "thank you" for telling me. Maybe I should be sad or maybe I should just be apathetic. I didn't want to go back to work and I didn't want to think about anything. Hippie or not, I wanted my home, a Mom to hold me and tell me everything was going to be fine. But, the one thing I wanted right then, was the furthest thing from what I could do. So, I gathered the broken pieces of my future and went back to work.

My mom called to tell me that I didn't get an internship with an organization that I really wanted. On top of that news, she also told me my ACT scores too. And like the news about the internship, my ACT scores were not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to be ok with my situation, but I couldn't bring myself to be.

No one at the station understood what I was going through. Not one person had any history with me or with the situation. I just wanted to sit down in some person's office who I didn't know, and vent the whole thing. Yup, well that didn't happen. Every feeling has been bottled up inside of me waiting for Moses to strike it out of me. And like the how the random person to vent to didn't happen, Moses didn't come either.

So, here I sit at Starbucks, two days after the event. I just got off the phone with a fellow friend who didn't get the internship. Together we just shared our thoughts, unemotionally, and unattached. It sounds proud to say that I thought I had the internship in the bag, but I really was thinking that. People sitting all around me are conversing about their lives and problems and I'm sitting here alone unsure of what I should be feeling. I'm not a feely person, anyone who knows me would tell you that, but now for some reason I think I should be feeling something.

Maybe no one is sitting next to me because it would only lead to more turmoil if I vented to them. But, right now, I don't have anything to vent. Tears, joy, relief, pain, sorrow, anger, angst, calmness, what on earth should I be feeling?

1 comment:

  1. I love you and I will be your friend forever....Buckets!